Season's Greetings

Merry christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone that stops by my blog.

Busy time of year which explains the lack of posts, will hopefully get back into it in the new year.

Rgs
Jess.x

Sharks

I had a strange nightmare last night which I felt like sharing as I'm not one who usually has nightmares and even after some 17 hours later I can still vividly remember it, even though the dream seems quite short.

The setting itself was a little bizarre, it was a swimming pool inside an underground cave although the size of the pool was so large you could describe it as a lake except for the tiled walkway around the edge (like a swimming pool). Everything started off ok, there were a large amount of people swimming in the pool including me, which is strange since I can't swim. Then it came time to get out, I decided that since the pool was empty I wanted to ride a jet ski and against other people's advice I did just that.
This is where things take a turn for the worse, as I'm riding the jet ski I start to see sharks in the water, at first they don't bother me but then their numbers start to increase to a point where there are hundreds if not thousands of them and there is very little water left for me. I start to panic and the sharks start to take an interest in me, I notice that I'm getting close to the far edge of the pool but the edge isn't big enough to stand on. I then see a slipway adjacent to where I am and quickly head for it, I don't slow down as I approach the ramp and launch the jet ski out of the water, once safely on dry land I walk calmly to the exit.

Weird or what!

On a lighter note, I managed to get me some on the weekend (I'm referring to sex here) and no it wasn't with Jack, I haven't heard from him since the incident in the bedroom, it was with a lovely brunette who's about 24 with a gorgeous arse.... I won't bore you with the rest of the details *wink wink* but suffice to say I hadn't forgot how it works and can officially say I'm still a lesbian, yay!!

"Let's go to work."

I didn't want to make a 3rd post in a row about facebook, but thanks to the overwhelming anger from the general public the guys at fb have realised their stupidity about the beacon saga and have now given us a complete opt-out (I'm not happy that they didn't go the full hog and make it opt-in), you'll find the new option under external websites in your privacy settings.

I truly hope this is the last post I make on the subject!

Ok so the title "Let's go to work." are the final words spoken in a television series I've come to enjoy and was thus the inspiration for my recent fancy dress costume. What am I talking about? well it can be the one and only Angel, the vampire with a soul.

I wasn't much of a buffy fan and only started watching Angel by chance, it may seem ironic to some of you that I prefer the series about the guy rather than the one about the girl but I found the whole angel package more entertaining. I'm referring to the writing, acting, plot and overall performance not David Boreanaz's package, although I do admit he's rather cute I think Amy Acker is more my type especially in the Illyria get-up.

I know the series was cancelled in 2004 but this is the first time I've seen the whole run, thanks to Sci-Fi although they sometimes make a mess of the broadcast.

I did shed a tear as the episode drew to a close, a combination of the story content and the knowledge that this was the end, I think the story continues in a comic form but I think I'll stick with the televised ending.

I feel strange, sad in a way, but it's more strange. I've watched the story and now it's over life goes on, work tomorrow will be no different than today but I feel different. That may sound stupid as it's just a TV show but watching the show daily for the past 6 months I feel a gap now exists. I find it funny the impact these characters have on our lives.

I must be getting soppy in my old age! I have a birthday coming up and I've just realised I started this blog back in January.

#@*%$!£+ facebook

Before I go on I would like to point out yet another reason I hate social networking sites. As you will be aware from my previous post I have after much reluctance signed up to facebook, well can you imagine how pissed off I was upon reading the news about their advertising practices. Imagine buying an item online, whether it's embarrassing or not, only to then find out facebook has informed everyone. Even after the changes they have made it's still an opt-out system, some of you might like the idea and that's fine, you may say that I have the option to opt-out but why should I have to, even then you opt-out for each site that uses this program. Luckily I haven't been caught out, but if I ever do I will stop using both facebook and the store that informed it what I bought, if anyone from facebook or companies planning to use it is reading is that enough incentive to make it opt-in?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/7120916.stm

Apologies to the normal inhabitants of this planet but that really rattled my cage, I was going to continue with my activities for the weekend but I'm not in the mood anymore and need to calm down as I'm now very pissed off.

Facebook

I knew there was a reason I hadn't created a facebook profile, but a few months ago I gave into pressure seeing how friends and family are on there, I can't give you the link as it's me not Jessica ;)

I logged on today to find 50 requests waiting for me, things such as zombies, vampires, werewolves etc. God I had this social networking crap! (blogging excluded)

In other news, I still haven't heard from Jack since the drunken bedroom incident, not that I'm complaining.

Thinking

Now that I've written down what happened with Jack on Emma's birthday it's got me slightly annoyed at how quickly he got me naked and tried to get me into bed while I was drunk.
He hasn't attempted to contact me since but I'm not sure if that means he might be feeling guilty or if he's following some kind of guy dating rules by not calling for a while.

So at moment he's falling out of favour.

Events of the past weeks

Well since it's been a couple of weeks since my last post I thought I would put it all into one post.
Ok so first of all it was my best friends birthday, I haven't mentioned her in this blog but she's my confidant and is the only person who knows me who knows about this blog, I'll call her Emma.

So Emma knows all about Jack, although she's never met him (well that's what we both thought), going out for a drink with her and some friends Emma's cousin turns up, it turns out that her cousin is the one and only Jack! after some frantic hand signals from across the room she finally figures that out, it also suddenly dawns on me that Jack thinks we're dating but everyone else present (well the one's I know since we're in a night club) knows he's not exactly my type, shit!

I stay out of sight while he gets introduced to the crowd, Emma guides him around to where I'm hiding and being the little minx she is she introduces us to each other as Jack and Jessica before quickly apologising and using our real names.

He doesn't let on that he knows me until Emma leaves us, I asked why he didn't say anything and his reply was that he wasn't sure if I had told anyone about him, I said there was nothing to tell, he's just another guy I know. The conversation went on for a bit when I asked if there had been between us why he thought I wouldn't have told anyone, he leans in and whispers in my ear "because you haven't told me your a lesbian yet", the bastard knew, all this time and he knew, apparently my mother told him at the wedding before he was introduced to me, damn the interfering cow, I don't know why but I was more angry with her than him.

I tried not to speak with him much to at least give him the impression I was mad with him. When the club shut a small group of us moved onto another club which was open for several more hours, people started to disperse as the evening went on until there was 5 of our group left, Emma, Jack, myself and another guy and girl who were busy with each other. Emma and me went onto the dance floor and were happily dancing together until we started getting swamped by loads of guys wanting us to make out on the dance floor, we kissed with a little tongue hoping it would shut them up but it only exasperated the situation and it was down to Jack to rescue us, our group usually has a few large guys who look after the girls in situations like that but they weren't with us tonight.



After a short break at the bar I returned to the bar but this time taking Jack and leaving Emma at the bar since she didn't want a repeat what just happened. I remember thinking that he was going to kiss me just like he had done on all the other occasions he had kissed me without asking. I'm not sure if I was just thinking about it too much or if I was simply drunk but when he moved closer to me I kissed him first, well he kissed back and yes ok I admit this guy has an affect on me!



The 5 of us ended up back at Emma's place, luckily her husband had gone to see his parents for the weekend and had taken their son with him. There were a few more drinks to be had before we decided to get some sleep, Emma had said I could sleep in her son's room. I used the bathroom and went into his room to find Jack half dressed, I was just about to throw him out when he kissed me and all sense of me wanting him to leave left instead, a zipper and two shoulder straps later and my dress was on the floor, a moment later and he'd unclasped my bra, a short while after that and my knickers were around my ankles, he dropped his trousers and at that moment I heard the other couple going hard at it in the next room and I burst out laughing, I think it bruised his ego until he realised what I was laughing at. It was enough for me to realise that I didn't want to continue, he was a bit pissed until I said that if sex was all he wanted he could f* off right then, he calmed down and suggested we get some sleep, I put my knickers back on and climbed into the single bed with him and fell asleep with his arm around me. He was still asleep when I left in the morning.

Yes I'm confused with the situation!



Ok next!

Next on the agenda was Sophie's birthday, what did she want? shopping and a sleep over with her friends, I agreed to her having 5 friends staying over, so 8 turn up and of course you can't turn them away when their mothers are thanking your for having their little angel for the night so they and their husbands can get upto whatever it is they haven't gotten upto since the little angel was born. Taking 9 6/7 year old's shopping without re-enforcements is not a good idea, a minute into the toy shop and I lost all of them, of course me looking for them only made it more fun for them to hide from me, so I waited at the tills and they eventually they all turned up with their chosen items which muggins here was paying for! The rest of the evening was relatively trouble free.



Ok next!

Next was Children in Need and our company had agreed for us all to wear fancy dress for the day. Luckily we have a costume department and me being someone of importance (yeah right) I also managed to get some time in hair and makeup, my chosen costume was Gothic Vampiress with all the trimmings (a little bit like the picture) and we raised loads of money in the process which was the main point.

Thinking back

Doesn't time fly, I hadn't realised it had been so long since my last post.

Things have been rather quiet so far for me, I dressed up as a witch to go trick or treating and I attended a company social event where nothing worth mentioning happened.

I haven't seen Jack in the last two weeks although we've been texting back and forth, he's still as flirtatious as ever and I'm, well I'm not sure what at the moment.

Although the situation has made me think back to high school. I had a crush on a boy in the primary school and we started seeing each other when we moved up to high school, I say seeing and not dating since we didn't actually see each other outside of school, but we spent some time kissing in various areas of the school where no one would find you.
I'd already started having strange feeling about other girls and no more so than while getting changed for gym practice, but that's another story.
He moved away at the end of the 9th year and being the age we were we didn't think to keep in touch, it wasn't until after he left that I decided to pursue these feelings I had been getting about girls.
It makes me wonder what would have happened if he had stayed around and I had been content with that relationship.

Dreams of happy familes

Only a short one coz I got a headache.

I had a strange dream last night. It was a happy family sort of dream, not much was different except Sophie's father was living with us, I'll call him Richard.

I don't know what made me think of him since I haven't seen him in 7 years, we stopped talking once he found out I was pregnant, might have something to do with the fact he was engaged and it wasn't to me. He hung up on me after I told him, he didn't let me say that I wasn't expecting him to split up with his fiancee.

I left his name off the birth certificate, something which pissed my mother off as I wouldn't tell her who he was.

I was 19 when I got pregnant, there was a party at his house and I got very drunk, he joined in while I was having some fun with another girl.

Avoiding the issue

I intended to post earlier in the week but didn't get enough time. I did however manage to watch the wedding dvd, I hate watching myself on TV.

Ok so onto the main event.
For those of you who have been following what's going on recently regarding a certain someone of the male species I apologise for my constant complaints about his behaviour towards me and your right that I haven't done anything to dissuade him either.
If I'm honest then I would say that the underlying factor behind my complaints is quite simple, he's a guy and I'm a lesbian and want to continue to be so, but in fact I do actually enjoy the attention he's been giving me recently. I'm not sure if I like him or just the attention after all the problems I had with Rebbecca and I was doing all the chasing there.

I haven't told him about my sexual preference because at the moment I assume that he just thinks I'm a girl who may or may not be interested in him. If I tell him then I'm either telling him that I'm not interested and for him to back off or I'm telling him I am interested and for him to continue with full valour. It's not that I enjoy him not knowing it's just I feel that is the more comfortable of situations at the moment. To use a more simple analogy I'm currently on amber and don't want to move to red or green just yet.

He did want to see me this weekend but I told him I was busy, which I am, but at least I was able to tell him that without inviting him along.

Edit: Come on Lewis Hamilton, you can do it!

Day of leisure - supposedly

Things didn't quite go as planned! so where to start.

About 3 months ago Katherine's cat had kittens and being the warm loving person that I am I offered to home one of them as the landlord here is only strict about bigger animals. So I get home from work on Friday to find the new flatmate had moved in, lucky it's been house trained, Katherine was also kind enough to bring a few supplies (but I find out later that I paid for them).

It's a male cat nearly all black with a few small white patches, it's been named Shadow.

So on Friday evening I get a call from you know who, he wants to know if I have plans for Saturday so I explain that I already have plans and the conversation continues. I'm not sure how it happened, either I invited him or he invited himself but the result is that he will be joining us on Saturday. I'm usually quite assertive, what is it with this guy, arrrrrrrgh!

Anyway I wake up this morning with a kitten laying beside me purring, it didn't take the thing long to figure out that I'm it's only source of food, well for this weekend anyway.

Sophie's also up nice and early even though I've explained god knows how many times that it doesn't open until 10am. I had considered going out early to get a 1 piece swimsuit as I'm not entirely comfortable with Jack seeing me a bikini but then I decide that since countless people have already seen me in it one more isn't going to hurt.

I explained to Sophie in the car that we're going to be joined by someone else, she's not as concerned as I expected, she's usually not very happy about people taking my attention away from her but on this occasion she's fine with it.

We meet Jack outside, he got the bus down which makes me think he's planning on going back to mine later. We quickly join the queue as a coach pulls up, there's a lot of people around so I'm expecting the pool to be busy. As we get closer to the booth Jack mentions about a family ticket (2 adults and 1-2 children) which includes a free children's meal, I tell him to just worry about himself but it's too late he's bought one. Once inside there's another desk where you get your locker keys and a towel (for a deposit), unfortunately one family ticket means one locker key and not only that it's in the family changing room, I manage to convince him of the virtues of using separate cubicles.

He's waiting for us by the lockers and we head off towards the pool. As soon as we emerge from the changing rooms I'm instantly recognised, a group of Sophie's friends are in the pool with their mothers, I don't think they are aware of my sexual preference so have probably already jumped to the wrong conclusion, arrrrrrrgh! . Sophie immediately goes to join her friends which leaves me with Jack and a group of women anxiously waiting for me to introduce him, what's more they're all wearing swimsuits so I'm the odd one out in the bikini, arrrrrrrgh!

The first thing one of the women says before I have a chance to speak "Sophie never said her father was so handsome" arrrrrrrgh! Jack's quicker off the mark than me and puts them right but also suggests that we're dating, arrrrrrrgh!

We leave the group by the kiddies pool and walk towards the main pool which is quieter than I had expected, Jack attempts to push me in until I state that I would cut off part of his manhood since I can't swim. He jumps in while I gracefully use the steps like a lady ;)

I spend the next half hour keeping Jack at bay while keeping an eye on Sophie, although there is a group of mothers and a lifeguard who could help if she had a problem. He finally wins in his attempt to pull me into deeper water which means I have to put my arms around him to hold myself above the water, although I'm sure he already considered that, arrrrrrrgh!

On getting out the pool Jack gets all our stuff out the locker, in the cubicle I turn to him to ask him to leave so we can change but he's already naked and looking for his boxers, I quickly turn back before he sees me and I notice that I'm blushing. He gets dressed and says he'll meet us outside, I try not to look at him since my face is still quite red, something Sophie takes great delight in pointing out once he's gone, then she says that the boys in her class aren't as big as Jack which I immediately bite on before I realise she's playing me.

To fast forward a bit, once leaving the pool we eat before going bowling which I win, yay :)

We don't go to the cinema in the end and instead come back here, with Jack still in tow.

Back in the apartment we've lost Shadow, I let them two look for him while I sit down, only to be pounced on by aforementioned kitten, with it's claws out the kitten manages to draw blood, luckily it's confined to my shoulder blade, Jack offers medical assistance but I have to take my shirt and bra off for him to do so properly. arrrrrrrgh! His hands are cold which make my nipples react, not that he can see since I've got my arms crossed.

I'm not exactly sure what happened next as I think I drifted off into a day dream. Sophie's voice snaps me back into reality. I'm leaning back with my arms beside me while Jack is kissing my neck while fondling my breasts. arrrrrrrgh!

I sort Sophie out and decide I need to kick Jack out, he wants to stay so he can finish what he started, I tell him I'm kicking he out so he can't finish what he started. He pulls me close and starts kissing me, I can feel the day dream state returning but manage to snap back and I push him out and shut the door, much to his amusement.

I think all I've managed to do is encourage him, arrrrrrrgh!

As you can probably see the day didn't go as I had planned.

Free t-shirt to the person who can guess how many arrrrrrrgh!'s I used. <- Joking!

Mid week update

Does Thursday count as mid week?

Well I'm looking forward to the weekend, Laura is going away with which ever love interest she's currently involved in and I have no work to do so it's just me an Sophie, yay :)
It's been a while since it's just been the two of us so I think it will be good. I'm thinking of taking her to a local leisure complex (swimming, bowling, cinema & food) on Saturday for a bit of fun, I can't actually swim but I do enjoy time in the pool and no I don't wear armbands!

I think I should also get stuck into another book, it's been a while since I finished the last one and quite enjoyed it, although spending too long reading made my eyes hurt, perhaps I need glasses.

Ok so that's my mid week update, thanks for tuning into channel Jessica, next the weather ;)

Free food

So on Friday afternoon I get a call from Jack. He said that he's going out for a meal with some friends in the evening, apparently one of the friends can't go, he did tell me why but I've forgotten. He asked if I would like to go , my reply was "umm..." so he continued that the meal had already been paid for in advance so I would only have to pay for any drinks I had. The fact that I had to pay for my own drinks was a relief that he wasn't trying to ask me out on a date. He told me the name of the restaurant, I've been there before and it's a very nice place, so I told him I'd have to check if my sister would be home to look after Sophie and agreed to call him back in about an hour's time.

Laura has been out every Friday night for the past 6 weeks so I didn't expect that night to be any different, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go out but would have rather had a valid excuse not to go than try and fake it. So I called Laura and said a friend had asked me to join them, I didn't mention it was Jack, unfortunately she had no plans and was more than happy to stay in with Sophie, they like to have a girlie night together sometimes.

I left it an hour and a half before calling Jack, I now had his number since he called me. I told him that I was available that evening, I could hear him grinning down the phone as he told me he was meeting his friends in a bar near the restaurant about 8:30, I began regretting the decision to go even before I hung up.

Because of work I got home late at about 7. I was already stressing as that only left me about an hour and a half to get ready and that's not long for a girl, I had planned to be fashionably late and meet them at 8:45 seeing as it would only take about 15 minutes to get to the restaurant from my place. To my surprise I found clothes and the rest of my stuff already laid out on my bed, knowing I would be stressed about getting home late Laura and Sophie had gone through the trouble getting my stuff ready, which kind of made me a little guilty as I've never done that for Laura.

I climbed into a nice warm bath that was being prepared as I entered the apartment, I lay there and almost fell asleep until Sophie joined me, although I bathe her regularly it's been a while since we've both been in the bath together so it was a nice fun 5 minutes, and we managed to get Laura in the bath too but she was fully dressed at the time, since I was going out I didn't have to clean up either.

The girls had done a good job and had decided on a red theme for me that evening, they picked out a lovely red dress which I hadn't worn in ages but it still fits! with matching underwear (which I wasn't planning on letting anyone see) and a pair of burgundy high heels which went well with the dress, they had also picked out lipstick, makeup and jewelry.

Laura gave me a lift so I only had to walk a short distance to the bar. Seeing everyone else that night I suddenly had a feeling that I was somewhat over dressed but that changed once I met Jack and his friends as they were equally dressed up. There was 6 of us in total, it wasn't anyone I recognised from the reception but they seemed like couples and were slightly confused when I mentioned I was subbing at the last minute for someone else, which if I was a paranoid person would lead me to believe there was no other person.

The meal was lovely, I had a prawn cocktail for starts with scampi salad for main course followed by a beautiful chocolate eclair. The guys disappeared when the coffee arrived, I think they went to pay the bill as I didn't end up paying for any of the drinks I had. The girls were unusually quiet while the guys were away leading me to believe that had been told not to interrogate me, they did ask about the wedding as the way Jack had explained how I became the brides daughter for the day had confused them.

After the meal we went back to the bar we had been in earlier for a few more drinks, it was a lot busier than before. Jack walked me to the taxi rank and kissed me on the cheek before I got in. I got home about 1am to find Laura and Sophie asleep together on the sofa.

I also managed to somehow scratch the screen of my mobile phone, well 3 scratches, dam things!

Close call

The image to the right was the sign facing me as I attempted to drive through one of those stupid road narrowing's this morning.

The image to the left was the sign facing the bloke coming the other way, unfortunately we met in the middle but luckily we avoided hitting each other. Since there was no accident I didn't see any point in stopping to discuss the matter, I didn't look to see if he felt the same, but which of us do you think was in the wrong?

Nightmares

I had the strangest of dreams last night.

I was running through a large house in the dark trying to scream because something was chasing me, only no sound was coming out my mouth and I was struggling to breath. I can only remember the last bits before I woke up, I opened my eyes and for a moment the last image of the dream and the sight before me blurred into the same image.

Oh and I ended up being late for work!

Edit: I just noticed this is my 50th blog entry...

Mother

Here comes the conversation I hadn't been looking forward to.

I had barely set foot inside my mothers house before she asked how I got on with the handsome young fellow, who I'll refer to now on as Jack.

Trying not to get drawn in I ask who she's referring to, she narrows it down the the guy I left the wedding party with. Now when I don't want to get into a conversation like that with mum I usually throw a few crude remarks in (which she doesn't like), it usually has the desired effect of making her change the subject. So I ask if Jack's the brother of the gorgeous red head with the nice boobs I was chatting to.

Anyway the conversation continues for a bit and I finally own up to remembering the guy she's talking about. This is where she tells me a few more facts about Jack which gets me thinking how does she know, apparently she was talking to his mother at the party. Then a thought hits me, since she knows a few things about him what has she told his mother about me?

"I didn't lie, I said that your a single mother who may be looking for a partner".

Ok she didn't lie I gave her that, but she wasn't entirely truthful either, she neglected to mention that said partner would be lacking a Y chromosome.

Feeling like I'm winning the argument (well conversation anyway) she mentions that Sophie got along great Jack. I'm starting to get a bit paranoid here! It seems my daughter had been introduced to Jack shortly before he was introduced to me.

Before I can give her hell she starts showing me photos from the wedding. She skipped through them quite quickly as there was one in particular she wanted to show me, it was a picture of Jack and me dancing, only I'm resting my head on his shoulder which I don't remember.

The photos get put away and just when I thought I was safe she asks...

"So what did Jack say when you told him you prefer the company of women?"

Bugger, I hadn't told him and she knew, otherwise she wouldn't have asked. I had just spent the last hour or so complaining about her trying to set me up and when it came down to the wire I had forgot to tell the guy he wasn't my type.

Then I had a brain storm, there had been 8 of us out that night so I told her that in the small amount of time I had spent talking to him the subject of me being a lesbian hadn't come up and in fact whether or not he was gay hadn't entered into the topic either (so there!)

Although if I'm honest I think that's 1-0 to mother (dam the woman!)

Wedding weekend

Well the wedding went off without a hitch, pardon the pun!


The 3 of us turned into the 8 of us as the 3 kids plus my brother and his girlfriend were roped into helping, I was the unintentional cause of problems in Friday as when I tried on my bridesmaid dress it didn't fit. it seems I've lost weight since I was fitted for the dress and it had to be taken in, but that was a last resort, my mothers preferred option was putting a padded bra, she couldn't seem to grasp that my chest wasn't the problem but my waist.

But you have to do as mother says even when you know it won't work.

They made some alterations to the dress and to every one's relief it fit, it wasn't the most comfortable of things but then I thought I would only be wearing it for a couple of hours (I ended up wearing it for 14 hours!). So I'm wearing this dress which now fits and Sophie decides to have a tantrum and hurls her drink at me for not giving her enough attention, everyone stood in amazement as we watched in slow motion this plastic cup filled with blackcurrant juice heading right towards me, then at the last minute mum steps into the path of the flying cup and gets plastered and luckily not a drop on me. I couldn't see the look on her face but it was enough to frighten Sophie into running out the room with Laura being commanded to look after her.

Sophie apologised when I saw her later and has behaved ever since, Laura had obviously done a good job of tell her off. I must admit that she looked like an angel walking down the aisle behind the bride with Katherine's boys on either side, I think they were given special orders to give her enough attention to keep her quiet, a trait she gets from me according to my mother.


The rest of the day and the following party went very well. Since I'm the middle daughter the role of given a speech fell on Katherine which went down rather well, the groom's speech was funny and he mentioned that when he met his bride to be she didn't have any children but he was surprised when she turned up at the church with 4 kids and 3 grand kids. There were a few drunken speeches but they were soon forgotten and the party continued. I was seconded to the dance floor by a handsome young fellow from the groom's side, much to the amazement of my mother who nearly fainted at the sight, unfortunately she has plenty of photographs to prove it happened.


By the time I heard the buffet was open everyone in the venue and probably even those passing by had queued up, although I managed to follow the bride as the crowd parted to let us get some food.


I helped tidy up at the end of the evening before being invited by young handsome fellow to join him and a few others going to a nightclub. I'm not sure what shocked my mother the most, the fact I was leaving on the arm of a guy or that I was wearing this expensive dress to a nightclub. I only stayed for about an hour as the dress was really starting to get uncomfortable, the guy was very charming and even got my mobile number out of me, I usually give them Laura's and they don't notice if she meets them.




It wasn't until I got up this morning that I realised I hadn't told him that he wasn't exactly my type, it's usually the first thing I tell a guy who starts hitting on me, could I have just simple forgotten to bring it up?

It's not fair that I have breasts!

Well that was the comment a friend said to me at a house warming party on the weekend.

One of my friends has bought a house with his fiancée and they had a house warming party on the weekend. I wasn't drinking because I was driving and I wasn't in the mood of alcohol but this led to several people thinking I was pregnant, I had to remind them of my sexual preference but now I keep thinking I'm getting fat.

Luckily my fears of getting fat are subdued by the fact that I had to borrow a dress from Laura and she's smaller than me, I was pleasantly surprised that the dress fit perfectly.

Ok so back to the headline, A few of us (about 8) retreated to another room to watch sport on the telle. I was the only female in the room and ended up sitting in the middle. All of a sudden the subject of conversation changed to women and how all the guys were wearing pretty much the same outfits but that each women was different, and then came the moment.

"You know it's not fair, you having breasts I mean!"

How do you respond to that !! ha.

On another note my mum's best friend is getting married this weekend and since she doesn't have any children she's adopting the 3 of us for the day, I'm not quite sure what I have to do yet.

Back to Reality

I've decided not to post specifics about the recent events even though they have had quite a large effect on me. I hope I've made a few friends on this blog and I feel bad by not letting you into this one.

The incident has been swept aside and no official records now exist, as far as everyone else is concerned nothing happened and life goes on. But something did happen and I'm having a hard time fitting back into life as if it didn't.

The events of recent have given me a different outlook on life and how I fit into it as well as an insight into a few other people around me.

I remember as a kid playing on a cruise ship with my siblings and a few friends we made, we had fun and didn't much care about where we were or what we were doing. Then something stupid happens and you realise your a long way from home and suddenly want to get off.
I feel that way now, like the journey is not as fun as it once was and I want to get off and go home, but I'm a grown up now and there's no where for me to run to.

It feels like I've lost the balance and I keep falling over, not literary speaking.

Don't worry I'm not considering doing anything drastic to myself but I'm considering the idea of seeing a phyciatrist for a few sessions.

For those of you worried about the incident, don't worry I wasn't the victim of a crime or anything like that.

Oh and Mike, you'll have to give me a link to your blog, since the one listed on your blogger profile is out of date I had assumed you had given up on blogging.

hectic week

just a quick post to let you all know i'm still about.

it's been a bit hectic since my last post with a few crazy things happening, i need to get my head around what's happened before i feel i can talk about it.

j.x

Jessica

I think most people who blog don't use their real names and I'm no different.

It came as a slight shock when someone called me Jessica by mistake, I tried as you do to make it seem like the name didn't mean anything to me.

It was even more of a shock when I was in another office and someone insisted on calling out the name, I tried to ignore the call but the person started walking towards me, my heart skipped a beat when he stopped next to me. I didn't dare look but standing there he said the name again and I was just about to look at him when another girl standing near by answered him. The relief I felt when the two of them went off together leaving me alone.

Weekend roundup

Thanks for the comments Mike, hope you continue to enjoy my chronicles. The hangover wasn't actually that bad, although I stayed in bed for the majority of the day catching up on some TV and read a few chapters of the book I'm currently reading.

I decided to spend the majority of Sunday and Monday with Sophie as I feel I've been neglecting her recently, not that she has been complaining since Laura spends enough time with her, I sometimes think she's a better mother to my daughter than I am.

One of the television programs I decided to watch on Saturday was Farscape, the final episode. Maybe I'm emotionally drained lately but I found myself shedding a few tears when D'Argo died.

Also had some tickets to watch the rugby, my home team were playing this weekend, although I decided to fore go the long trek and spend the time with Sophie. If you've been reading carefully you might be able to figure out my nationality. I usually tend to ignore the whole national thing and just go for the British label as I think the whole devolution thing is kind of stupid.

So the week at work, I find it hard to believe it's only been a week since I got back from seeing aforementioned friend, it's been a long week!

I hadn't realised until someone asked on Friday night 'So what's with the gothic look?', upon thinking back I remembered i had worn black for the whole week, I'm usually more colourful but I had worn a variety of black clothes the entire week with a selection of silver jewelery. In fact I was also wearing black that evening. Guess I was in a morbid mood, can't figure out why though!

So where do I go from here?

I've found reading books is the only thing that successfully takes my mind off a certain subject for any length of time, your all probably getting tired of hearing about that. I bought several books to keep me going and ended up buying three books by Karen Chance, I hadn't noticed who the author was until I got the books (Amazon), not that there is anything wrong with Karen it's just funny that I bought three by the same author. One of the other books is by Alastair Reynolds as I like one of his other books, the others I liked the descriptions of.

That didn't really answer the question but it's a good plug if I was looking to sell books!

To be honest I don't know where to go besides moving along slowly and giving my mind time to adjust to the situation and see where that takes me.

One idea is to turn hetero as guys tend to be happy providing they're getting regular sex.

That's all today from your psychotic gothic lesbian, until next time.

Drinking session

So last night I went out on a drinking session with a group of friends. To my surprise it turned out to be quite a large group of people, about 30 I guess, a few new faces and some of the usual suspects were not in attendance.

I was very keen to get some alcohol in me after the events of the past week end and ended up on my third drink before most of the group had finished their first. I'm a vodka and coke girl and last night was in the mood for doubles.

It was a quiet evening, no fights or other problems, not that we're a bunch of thugs but with a large group of people drinking trouble can quite often find us. The usual sort of problem is bumping into someone when trying to navigate your way around and the person not accepting your apology or even offering to get them a drink if it's quite a big bump.

So there was me very keen on getting drunk and several of the guys more than happy to help me along in that respect. Although quite happy to flirt and give them some encouragement I was not in the mood to have sex with anyone of either gender, the influx of vodka did help take my mind off said person but I don't think I'm ready to move on just yet.

I usually have a limit in mind so that I can at least do more than lay in bed the following morning, needless to say with me being on doubles I quickly passed my limit. I also managed to keep all my clothes, me getting drunk can lead to a loss of clothing on my part.

They say alcohol doesn't solve any problems and I tend to agree, since after recovering from a hangover my mind wanders back onto the same old topics as before.

Alone in the Dark

Wasn't that the title of a movie?

This post is probably going to turn into a rambling, I find writing things down helps when you read it back, it's something I do quite a lot but this time I figured I post it here, so the rest of you can share in the strange workings of my mind. The quote at the top reads 'welcome to my world' and I think this post is going to be just that. It may be a long one and might not read very well so I'll forgive anyone who doesn't get to the bottom.

I said yesterday it's a hard topic to discuss and it is but this is more of a journal entry, it's kind of like me having a conversation with my brain to figure out how I got to where I am now and which mistakes I'll probably make again.

It should be an interesting week at work culminating in a party on Friday night and I plan on getting well and truly drunk!

So where to begin? Well following on from my post yesterday and not having much to do today, ok well I had stuff to do but couldn't be bothered to do it. I'm in a sort of angry, sad sort of mood, incidentally I'm usually good at avoiding scenarios which make me depressed. Angry I get a lot but the sadness self doubt and pity I've been good at avoiding, It's a remnant of my childhood where due to some unfortunate incidents I started suppressing my emotions, well the ones which were easier to control, anger not being one of them, it's quite funny that happiness is the easiest one to keep under wraps.





So any good therapist will tell you that bottling up or suppressing your emotions is not a good thing, they're probably right as when you squeeze too much into a bottle it has a tendency to explode and make a mess. Luckily I haven't exploded, although the picture I chose yesterday was reflective of my mood at the time.

So now down to the whys, I'm not sure which mood to class that under as depending on the questions and answers I get a different reaction.

Why did I get involved in the first place?
So when I first met her she was substituting for a friend, I'd got on well with the friend and wasn't happy about dealing with someone new or that I wasn't informed about the situation before hand, but I didn't really have a choice in the matter so went with it.
When the business stuff was out of the way and we had some alone time we got talking and it was pleasant seeing her each time, soon she developed an infatuation with me and she would light the room up when she saw me. I'm about eight years older than her and felt it wouldn't work between us for several reasons being the age, distance.
So I started to arrange things so there wouldn't be much alone time, a fact I later came to regret doing.
I'm not sure when I started having feelings for her but I suppose you never do, it got to the point where we arranged to spend a weekend together. Our business concluded a few weeks before our weekend and during that time I had very little communication with her, bar a few text's back and fore but you can't really gauge emotion from a text. It was during this time I realised how much I missed spending time with her and started to regret purposely reducing it.

So the weekend came and it was fun, nothing physical happened between us excluding a few kisses, I think she wanted something to happen but I was still unsure of the situation and the whole thing was a little subdued from our usual interactions.

It was after that weekend that I think I started to fall for her and one day while speaking I posed the question about a possible relationship, it kind of went down hill from there!

Sometimes she was more than happy to talk with me but at others it seemed like a choir for her, so we made arrangements for a another weekend, I think I posted about that one where it was quite an awful weekend.

So against my better judgement we made more arrangements, the latest one being where I pressed her on the subject of me and her.
It boiled down to her being young and not wanting a serious relationship, we wouldn't see each other that much and what would happen if we got drunk, would we remain faithful to one other when apart.
We both agreed to remain friends, but I'm not sure how easy that will be now.

In a nut shell that's basically the whole story but it doesn't actually answer the question. To be honest I don't know why I got involved when from the start it looked like a bad idea, perhaps she though the same and just wanted a bit of fun but when it turned serious she changed her mind.

I'm not sure what I'm pissed off about the most, may it be that I let my guard down and got hurt for it or the fact that I'm now obsessing over the whole thing and can't concentrate on other things.

I want to move on but keep thinking about the fun times, she's so warm to be around and and her lips are so soft I could have just melted every time I kissed them, even though she wouldn't allow me anything more than a quick peck. It's also funny that my skin is always cold to the touch, even in a hot night club, I can actually hold a drink and the ice melts so slowly because my hands are so cold, but being in the same room as her and my skin turns warm to the touch, I tried to show her my party trick of holding an ice cube but it melted quickly in my palm.

Ok so this is the point where I'm starting to get angry at the whole thing, it was fun so why did I loose it or screw it up, I think I should quit while I'm ahead and go and bang my head against a wall to numb the sensations!
Bloody hell!

Crash and Burn

For those of you who have been following the complicated issues of my love life I can now officially confirm that the latest saga has come to an end.

I think I've finally found out the meaning of a hard topic and I don't want to go into detail as this one if pretty hard for me to discuss at the moment.

I didn't think I felt too much but that it was something that seemed like a good idea if it went somewhere, needless to say my reaction was anything but. I was actually crying on the train home that an old woman asked if I was ok, I told her I've received bad news but was ok. There is nothing worse than wanting to curl up alone when you have a long journey ahead of you knowing you have to hold as much inside as you can until you finally get home.

I'm trying to not be melodramatic on the subject but to be honest it does hurt inside and even now thinking about it my eyes are swelling up, bloody hell!

I think I've finally found the meaning to one of the quotes from a film I like.

Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?

Life goes on I guess, how ever rough the ride gets along the way, I'm not sure if I want to cry or hit something!

What makes a moment special

A little break from the holiday talk. It's been a busy year for me so far, not long got back from holiday and in a little over a week I'm flying off on another business trip, it's a shame I'm not getting any air miles!

Ok so onto the topic I want to talk about.

Reading Sarah's blog got me thinking about what makes a moment special. My most special moment of all time was when I first held my daughter, for me it was as if time stood still and nothing else mattered. The look on my mothers face when she first held her was a classic as she realised this made her a grandmother.

Most special moments only last for seconds, some even shorter than that, but when we remember them they last for much longer. The problem with memories are that they are fallible and we sometimes remember what we wish happened.

Special moments can take many forms, becoming a mother to meeting eyes with someone across a crowded room. They are what I think of as the slow motion moments as time stands still and all other distractions seem to vanish. I can recall a moment in a night club were it seemed like someone pulled the plug on the music while I whispered to someone, but in reality it was a split second pause in the beat.

Other moments are where someone behaves or does something contrasting to their personality or at least your perception of them. When I was about 11 a ball was thrown in my direction and as I looked round to my name being called I just stared at this ball as it was coming closer to my head, my special moment came when my little brother who at the time was hopeless at catching a ball put his hand up and caught it. The reason I think of it as special is that many times before and after he has thrown balls at my head with the intention of hitting me but for that brief moment he was my protector.

Movies can sometimes have special moments. Now I know they're written, edited and have music played in the right place to make it special.

Films have their slow motion moments, during conflict when the sound of what ever is exploding slows down so that someone can have their moment. They all add to the drama of the film, I'm not arguing that, but how many times does a film make you grin like a cheshire cat or have tears running down your face, I know us girls are more emotional than you boys out there and we probably shed a tear for every film we watch but I'm thinking on a more emotional level.

I'll probably regret sharing, so if you come back and find this post is shorter it's because I came to my senses and deleted the following.

When I was a kid I probably cried at a lot of films when sad things happened, but the following are the ones which left lasting memories and still make me cry when I watch them now.

Transforms (1984 movie), my brother liked it *wink wink*. I cried at the scene where Optimus Prime dies, I actually watched it again recently before watching the new film and I felt a tear at the same scene. I blamed my contact lenses but I don't wear any!

Short Circuit 2 (1988), again I had to watch this because my brother liked it *wink wink*. I actually saw this in the cinema and wasn't alone in the tears department, I think all the kids came out in tears when the crooks were smashing up Johnny 5. We all let out a cheer at the end when he caught Oscar.

Meet joe black (1998) I let out a tear or two at the end as Joe and William are walking over the bridge, there were a few more tears when Joe walks back over the bridge.

The green mile (1999) At John Coffey's execution.

Sliding doors (1998) when Helen dies in the hospital and the other Helen and James meet in the lift.

12 Monkeys (1995) When Cole dies in Katheryn's arms and he watches a boy walk away he realises the boy is him and his nightmare about watching someone die was watching his grown up self die (it's easier to watch it than me explain it, although if you haven't seen it I've just spoiled the ending for you)

Bicentennial Man (1999) Ok so I actually cried a couple of times during this one, when Andrew and Richard watch the hologram of the wedding dance, at the death of Little Miss when Andrew realises everyone he knows will eventually die and finally when Andrew and Portia dies.

I just noticed that none of the above are listed as my favourite movies on my profile, might have to change that.

For an example of something that made me smile in a movie

As good as it gets (1997)

Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.

Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.

Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.

Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.

Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.

Carol Connelly: ...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.

Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.

I've also just realised that all the films are pre 2000, does that tell you anything about the current quality of movies?

I think I went a little off track near the end, but hey that's what blogging is for :)

Holiday - Me in a bikini

You guessed it I finally left the hotel room wearing my bikini, even if it was the fifth day of the holiday.


Once I was wearing it I was more concerned about showing my feet. I had never really thought about it but I'm a sock girl and very rarely go bare foot, even walking about my flat in just a t-shirt I still put a pair of socks on.


We decided to have a lay in since this was the first day we weren't going on any excursions, unfortunately this meant we couldn't get a spot by the pool and were left with the terrace. It was a lovely sun trap and out of the way so it was also quiet but no breeze bar or pool in the immediate vicinity.


Although I had decided to wear the bikini I wasn't liking the idea of walking around the hotel wearing it so I put shorts on. A few years ago it wouldn't have bothered me, maybe I'm getting old!


On the way outside I pass a bloke, he stops me telling me I dropped something. he kindly picks it up and hands it to me, it's a piece of paper with some writing on, not thinking it's mine I hand it back to him. It's not until he suggests that I keep it I realise I'm being hit on and on the paper is his name and room number. Now the strange part here is that I politely blow him off, I'm never polite when guys hit on me, what's with me lately!

Right so where was I. so we settle down on the terrace and help each other with the lotion and it isn't long before my big sister Katherine is asleep. She's laying on her front but she's the sort of person who won't take her top off even when face down. So little sister Laura who's in a playful mood wants to take Katherine's top off, not seeing any harm in it I let her, she then disappears for a couple of hours. When she gets back I notice something odd about her but it isn't until she sits down next to me I notice her bikini top is painted, apparently she found an artist on the beach who painted her for free, I wonder why!

So she asks about Katherine and looking over I see that she's turned over and hasn't realised she's topless, we argue about what to do when Katherine gets up and asks if we want anything from the bar, we both watch as she walks off still unaware about her attire. Surprisingly she was only gone a few minutes, she said that there was a queue at the bar but all the men were kind enough to let her through. As she sits down she see her top on the floor and it suddenly hits her. Laura runs off with Katherine behind her and a few minutes I hear a splash and guess that one or both ended up in the pool. That's the good thing about being the middle sister, I never get blamed for anything.

Katherine returns about 10 minutes later (still topless I might add), dripping wet I asked if Laura got wet, with a big grin she says that she got more than wet and holds up Laura's bikini bottoms. Knowing I have the one and only room key I'm a bit anxious as to what she's going to do, I consider going to find her but I'm comfortable and don't fancy a dip in the pool just yet.

She comes walking back to the terrace about half hour later not the slightest bit concerned that she's now completely naked (which is more like me than her) and settles down on her sun lounger making no attempt to cover up, and Katherine's also made no effort to cover up and is happily sunbathing topless, maybe some alien has switched out personalities!

If this post seems a bit off topic in places it's because I've been writing it amongst doing other things since 10am this morning, that's like 11 hours ago!

Back to Reality

I arrived back from my holiday to Majorca a few days ago, I will not write about the whole holiday in one post as to not put you to sleep.

So it was a girls holiday and we paid the extra for a hotel with no children. I was sharing a room with my younger sister (Laura) and my older sister (Katherine) shared with her friend (Maria). our rooms were in different parts of the hotel with me and Laura getting the better one, we had a view of the pool and sea where they had a view of the courtyard and rooms overlooking them from the other side of the hotel.

Walking out onto the balcony and looking down at the pool I saw loads of women in bikini's sunbathing, it was at that point that I suddenly became very self conscious about putting my bikini on, which for anyone that knows me would tell you how that ridiculous that sounds. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my figure, I'm a comfortable size 10 although my little sister is a size 8 the cow! but then again my older sister is a size 12 so I guess it's just an age thing. I'm still not sure why I was so concerned about being out in public wearing a bikini, maybe it's that bloody boots advert (beach gorgeous) that shows everyone stopping to look at a women stripping down to her bikini!

The first four days were excursions so I managed to avoid the bikini, this didn't go unnoticed by Laura who often wore her bikini under her clothes in case the perfect opportunity arose and she kept insisting I do the same, luckily for me she's easy to distract and rarely remembers what she was talking about.

One such occasion did occur on a boat trip, it wasn't the smoothest of journeys but the sun was hot so Laura decided to remove her t-shirt, I'm not quite sure how she managed it but she also removed her bikini top. We're all looking to the one side as we past something (I can't remember what) and as I look back to talk to her I notice she's sitting there with her boobs on show while she tries to untangle her bikini from her shirt, when I try and get her to hurry up she tells me not to worry as she put sun tan lotion on her boobs!

So just a short snippet to get you interested, more to come!!

In case your wondering it's not me in the photo.

Weekend Rant

Ok so just another random rant.

Thanks for the links Jo, won't get time before I fly off to sunny spain :) I've seen the latest news about the increased terror alert and all the extra security at airports, just have to see how things go.

Telly

I've been watching the new BBC drama Jekyll and I think it's good, but then I'm biased since I like James Nesbitt anyway ;) I think he'd make a good Doctor Who, rumours are that David Tennant might be leaving halfway through series 4. Not having seen the original series I can't comment on past doctors but for the new series I think he's doing better than Christopher Eccleston, although I've liked Chris in other projects (such as Heroes) I didn't watch Casanova as the adverts looked like a show I wouldn't like but now I've seen David in DW I think I might watch it if it gets re-run.

Speaking of Doctor Who, I wasn't very keen on the finale,

I couldn't help but laugh at the scene where the doctor becomes young thanks to the power of thought, although I did get a telling off by Sophie in the form of 'Muuuuuuuuumm!'

So the list of TV programs I have to record isn't as long as I first thought 'Heroes', 'Jekyll', 'Criminal Minds' and 'Boston Legal' although I have no idea when I'll actually get time to watch them which then means I'll have to record the future episodes as I hate watching things out of order.

And bollocks I just noticed the time nearly 1am!

Links

http://www.bbc.co.uk/drama/jekyll/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/

Heroes

Ok so I admit I'm a bit of a sci-fi geek but I've really enjoyed this television show "Heroes" 10pm Monday's on Sci-Fi, it's probably in it's 2nd or 3rd series in the US by now.

It's coming to the end of the 1st series and I was sitting on the edge of my seat watching tonight's episode. I must admit I think all the hype around this series is worth while and I'm not a person who gives praise likely.

The finale is on July 16th so that's 3 more episodes and I'll be on holiday!!!! I can't bloody believe it, I've watched the past 20 odd weeks and I'll be away for the final 2. Now I did consider changing my holiday but I think I'll just have to settle for watching it when I get back.

How I got started watching the series is quite a funny story, I had avoided watching it because of all the hype surrounding it and that usually means they've spent more on the marketing budget than the actual program. So anyway Sci-Fi were repeating the first 3 episodes back to back one Sunday, I had watched a film so the television was on the channel. I was talking on the phone to a friend and the was sort of watching the program at the same time, talking for 3 hours on the phone is not uncommon for me. It seemed quite interesting so the following night I sat down and watched the next episode and quite enjoyed it.

There are episodes I felt you could miss and not actually miss any of the story or plot, I really hate it when they try and stretch the story out that little bit longer to make another episode or two and I felt they have done this here. But saying that the last few I've seen have felt like too much was squeezed into them so I think it's a case where they stretched the wrong part of the story.

Still Here

It's been a while since my last post I know, just guess I haven't been in the mood. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I wasn't sure how long I would be able to keep up the regular posting.

So what's changed I hear you asking, ok well I can hear London lass asking ;)
Well for me nothing significant has changed, my love life is still uncertain but I'm still being the optimist against perhaps my better judgement, although they do say love does strange things to people. I don't know if I'm in love, well you get the idea.

The office casanova Rick is still trying to get me in bed. Last month while out clubbing I was dancing with him towards the end of the night, I was tired so was really just holding onto him to keep from falling over. Unfortunately Rick got the wrong idea and slipped his hand down my jeans and grabbed my arse, I calmly mentioned about breaking his fingers and he promptly removed his hand. I couldn't be bothered to find another dance partner so his hand soon returned to my arse but this time on the outside of my jeans.

My sisters have been busy!
My youngest sister (Laura) has split up with her boyfriend and now has a girlfriend, a pretty young thing who's not modest in the slightest, not that I'm complaining :)

My elder sister agreed to having a threesome with her husband on the condition she could have some alone time with the girl, he agreed on the condition the threesome became a regular occurrence.

My brother is still very adamant that he's not the slightest bit bi-curious, instead saying that he takes after his sisters in preferring women, our mother isn't happy about the idea but she's starting talking to us more although she continues to avoid the lesbian issue

Bit pissed

Okay so I'm a lot pissed with the situation.
So she gets back to the UK but we have to postpone our get together because she has family problems, ok can't be helped we all get that, I had gotten rid of my sister and daughter for a few days so ended up having a quiet night to myself.

When we do get to see each other I spot her walking to where we're meeting holding a guy's hand, I didn't see where they separated but it took her over five minutes to walk the short distance from where I lost sight of her to where I was, we were both a bit cold with each other, she kept her jacket done up to her neck even though it was very warm, we got back to my place having not spoken all that much during the evening, I gave her the necklace I bought but had to convince her it wasn't expensive before she would except it, I also had to convince her to let me put it on her, when she opened her jacket I saw what a lovely top she was wearing and showing quite a bit of cleavage, although she quickly done it up again.

When it came to sleeping arrangements she had a look of horror when I asked if she wanted to share with me, in the end I told her she could sleep in my sisters room. After laying in bed for about 15 minutes I was a bit pissed off with how the night had gone so decided to talk to her about it, she was laying in the bed in her underwear and as soon as I entered she covered up. We talked for a bit and I told her that I had feelings for her but she said that she didn't have any for me, which I was a bit upset about because it was completely different to the person to who she was before she went away, I went back to bed in a bad mood trying to not let her see my mood, I decided to text a girl I had been on a date with before xmas, she was too busy to see me again at the time, anyway we got texting a bit that night and agreed to see a movie together the coming weekend.

I the morning I couldn't be bothered, I had accepted the fact that this was probably the last time we would spend together as she seemed to was to leave in a hurry. We had breakfast and she seemed to just want to get on her train home which was in several hours time. We went shopping and tried on a few outfits, when she came out of the fitting room in one dress she looked absolutely beautiful and no longer caring about things I made a flirtatious comment, she smiled and blushed at the same time and from that point on she warmed up to me, by the time she left it was like before she went away, having a coffee before she got on her train she said that her flat mates were going away for a week in summer and she asked if I would like to stay with her.

So I'm not sure if I'm still pissed off or just confused about the whole situation!

I think I just revealed a bit too much of my life but what the hell.

Edit: she told me that the guy she was with was her ex-boyfriend (only after I told her I saw them together)

Return to Sanity

I think I'm returning to sanity, if there is such thing. I'm actually able to think about other things besides Rebecca, which means I'm not day dreaming while at work.

Not sure what else to write on the subject at the moment but I'm sure I will think of something later.

Horny as hell

I think the reason I've been touche for the past week or so is because I'm gagging for it, yes I know being a woman I'm not supposed to admit that but I am.

I just spoke to her (I'll call her Rebecca for future purpose), she was tired due to a hard days work (even on a Sunday!) but she wanted to speak to me before she went to sleep, I actually love talking to her when she's tired as her voice is so soft and gentle, the only problem is it makes me wish I was there cuddling up with her.

Another reason for my high state of arousal is perhaps because I've not slept with Rebecca yet, we've kissed many times and she's not as shy as she used to be with me but we just ain't got down and dirty yet, which I'm hoping to get to do when I see her, which feels like and eternity away.

I've also hatched a plan so that I can have my wicked way with her, to the straight girls out there (if there are any left) don't worry I won't take her anywhere she doesn't want to go. I've bought her a little necklace, nothing fancy just a small token, well actually the idea is to put it round her neck and caress it (well the skin around it anyway) since it will fall nicely in her cleavage it should give me a good indication of what to expect.

Sitting on the fence

So things have calmed down since my last post, she's gone away on a business trip so we won't see each other for four weeks, five in total since she left a week ago.

We've been texting and she's looking forward to seeing me when she gets back, which makes me think she does have feelings for me but is slightly scared of admitting that just yet, I think it's down to the whole coming out thing since she's not exactly a self confessed lesbian.

I'm going insane!

What does 'Good friends, maybe something more' actually mean because it's driving me nuts, one minute we're on for what I think will be something good then we're just friends arrgh.!

I think she's still having issues with her feelings for me which is the main problem!

Weekend away

Well I'm back from my girlie weekend away, it didn't quite go according to my master plan.

First the hotel upgraded us to a bigger room which had three beds instead of the cheaper room which only had one, how can you complain about that one! so no accidental fondling.

All in all it was a good trip as far as trips go, we did plenty of shopping and went for a dip in the hotel's indoor pool, I sampled the local cuisine but didn't take to it so settled on a MacD's.

Traveling was nice and easy, we all decided to only take hand luggage so not to get suck waiting for baggage, although that brings it's own problems as there are limitations on what you can take in your carry-on.

Looking to arrange another trip before the summer and as before the booking is left to me, think I'll go for the cheapest room to make sure we get just the one bed *wink wink*

Bad hair day

Friday was a bad hair day, I was wearing my hair down but every reflective surface I looked in I could see stray strands sticking up, If I had played with my nipples I could probably have picked up the local radio station!

My hair likes to curl when ever it gets the chance, I'm not a lover of curly hair so never let it get that chance, but there I was walking towards a glass door and what do I see, my hair starting to curl on top of my head, it wasn't even wet for goodness sake! I tried clips, pins, bands someone even offered me a tiara but I don't think it would suit me.

Sod it, I roughed it all up and anyone who looked for too long got an evil stare back.

Spiders

Ok so I'm not a huge fan of spiders but unlike my sister and mother I don't run screaming out the room when I see one, I can also quite happily watch nature programs which show them unlike other said members of my family.

But I admit I won't let one live if I find it inside my house, other people's houses i don't mind (unless I'm sleeping there) but my flat is a no-no.

That said yesterday I found one in the bathroom (well my sister found it) sat on the wall behind the toilet, it didn't offer any resistance to me squashing it with my slipper.

Later that evening I spotted an identical one in the bathroom this time it was above the door, I did consider leaving it but then thought I would drive me mad knowing there was one there and I have this thing about walking under spiders, probably related to watching a certain movie about them (Arachnophobia)

So now the challenge, I'm not tall enough to hit it without jumping and would probably miss if I tried, so I sprayed it with a bathroom cleaner, this caused it to fall off the wall and hang from the ceiling by its web, it looked dead so I sprayed it again, it opened its legs and gently but quickly lowered itself down, It honestly looked like something out of a horror movie, just something about the way it looked, effortlessly it descended. Lucky for me I managed to squash it against the door when it was half way down.

But the image of it lowering itself down sends a shiver down my spine!

Image from Wikipedia

Short skirt

And there was me thinking I was wearing a short skirt to the works bash, but one of the girls was wearing a skirt so short you could see her buttocks, not that I was complaining about the view but the rules are usually different at work organised events than a usual piss-up (and for those wondering, yes she was wearing a thong).

There was a different crowd of people at the event, the regular bunch of people who go out and get drunk (including me) were there but probably because of the nature of the event there were the extra bunch of people who don't usually attend.

I must admit I was surprised how hot some of the girls looked, although I did a bit of flirting I didn't hit of any of them, don't get me wrong I'm open about being gay but I've had relationships with people I've worked with before and it can be more trouble than its worth, Then there's the guy thing, they tend to go crazy when they know two girls who are sleeping together, there must be a switch in their brain that says when they see to lesbians they'll immediately start ripping each others clothes off and go for it right there.

Back to the party, well it was a good night but not much in the way of naughty behaviour. Yes the girl in the short skirt got a lot of attention, especially when she got on the dance floor, I did join her for one song, but was could feel eyes watching so we didn't come into contact.

Some of they guys flocked around the new girl, playing silly buggers it looked so stupid to watch and in a quick chat she agreed, she ended up leaving early.

As with all work functions they are held in posh places which means the drinks are twice the usual price and the people thinned out once they ran out of drink tickets, where as I used my charm to make sure I had a steady supply of them.

I was a good girl and avoided causing any controversy although I did pose for the camera kissing (on the cheek) one of they guys I work with.