Alone in the Dark

Wasn't that the title of a movie?

This post is probably going to turn into a rambling, I find writing things down helps when you read it back, it's something I do quite a lot but this time I figured I post it here, so the rest of you can share in the strange workings of my mind. The quote at the top reads 'welcome to my world' and I think this post is going to be just that. It may be a long one and might not read very well so I'll forgive anyone who doesn't get to the bottom.

I said yesterday it's a hard topic to discuss and it is but this is more of a journal entry, it's kind of like me having a conversation with my brain to figure out how I got to where I am now and which mistakes I'll probably make again.

It should be an interesting week at work culminating in a party on Friday night and I plan on getting well and truly drunk!

So where to begin? Well following on from my post yesterday and not having much to do today, ok well I had stuff to do but couldn't be bothered to do it. I'm in a sort of angry, sad sort of mood, incidentally I'm usually good at avoiding scenarios which make me depressed. Angry I get a lot but the sadness self doubt and pity I've been good at avoiding, It's a remnant of my childhood where due to some unfortunate incidents I started suppressing my emotions, well the ones which were easier to control, anger not being one of them, it's quite funny that happiness is the easiest one to keep under wraps.





So any good therapist will tell you that bottling up or suppressing your emotions is not a good thing, they're probably right as when you squeeze too much into a bottle it has a tendency to explode and make a mess. Luckily I haven't exploded, although the picture I chose yesterday was reflective of my mood at the time.

So now down to the whys, I'm not sure which mood to class that under as depending on the questions and answers I get a different reaction.

Why did I get involved in the first place?
So when I first met her she was substituting for a friend, I'd got on well with the friend and wasn't happy about dealing with someone new or that I wasn't informed about the situation before hand, but I didn't really have a choice in the matter so went with it.
When the business stuff was out of the way and we had some alone time we got talking and it was pleasant seeing her each time, soon she developed an infatuation with me and she would light the room up when she saw me. I'm about eight years older than her and felt it wouldn't work between us for several reasons being the age, distance.
So I started to arrange things so there wouldn't be much alone time, a fact I later came to regret doing.
I'm not sure when I started having feelings for her but I suppose you never do, it got to the point where we arranged to spend a weekend together. Our business concluded a few weeks before our weekend and during that time I had very little communication with her, bar a few text's back and fore but you can't really gauge emotion from a text. It was during this time I realised how much I missed spending time with her and started to regret purposely reducing it.

So the weekend came and it was fun, nothing physical happened between us excluding a few kisses, I think she wanted something to happen but I was still unsure of the situation and the whole thing was a little subdued from our usual interactions.

It was after that weekend that I think I started to fall for her and one day while speaking I posed the question about a possible relationship, it kind of went down hill from there!

Sometimes she was more than happy to talk with me but at others it seemed like a choir for her, so we made arrangements for a another weekend, I think I posted about that one where it was quite an awful weekend.

So against my better judgement we made more arrangements, the latest one being where I pressed her on the subject of me and her.
It boiled down to her being young and not wanting a serious relationship, we wouldn't see each other that much and what would happen if we got drunk, would we remain faithful to one other when apart.
We both agreed to remain friends, but I'm not sure how easy that will be now.

In a nut shell that's basically the whole story but it doesn't actually answer the question. To be honest I don't know why I got involved when from the start it looked like a bad idea, perhaps she though the same and just wanted a bit of fun but when it turned serious she changed her mind.

I'm not sure what I'm pissed off about the most, may it be that I let my guard down and got hurt for it or the fact that I'm now obsessing over the whole thing and can't concentrate on other things.

I want to move on but keep thinking about the fun times, she's so warm to be around and and her lips are so soft I could have just melted every time I kissed them, even though she wouldn't allow me anything more than a quick peck. It's also funny that my skin is always cold to the touch, even in a hot night club, I can actually hold a drink and the ice melts so slowly because my hands are so cold, but being in the same room as her and my skin turns warm to the touch, I tried to show her my party trick of holding an ice cube but it melted quickly in my palm.

Ok so this is the point where I'm starting to get angry at the whole thing, it was fun so why did I loose it or screw it up, I think I should quit while I'm ahead and go and bang my head against a wall to numb the sensations!
Bloody hell!