Last post of 2008

Reading that title you could either think of me as an optimist or pessimist seeing how there is almost 24 hours left in the year.

So I do apologise for not posting anything for the past 5 months but I've not really been in the mood. Ok to be more honest I wasn't sure what to write about, I'm still not sure but I think I'll just keep typing and see what comes out. It is the end of the year and perhaps the title of this post was enough to bring me out a little.

So what's been happening I hear you scream at the monitor, well I may have gotten older but I'm still 2 years away from being 30.

Well my sister is still off on her year out traveling around the world, she sends photos when she gets chance and seems like she's really enjoying herself.

Since Laura is currently not a viable sitter this means my mother has made an executive decision and Sophie has had to move in with her. Not only that but now it's just me living here she's also decided not to subsidised the rent, I know I shouldn't moan about that seeing how everyone else has to pay their own way but it was nice not to be flat broke at the end of each month. It's funny but she has come out and said if I start dating men she would consider the money issue, the bitch! not that I've been getting any lately from either gender.

I must admit that my darker outlook on life lately has made me say and do things I've come to regret, maybe that's too hard, I think I could have made better choices.

I do tell people that I never regret things but truth be told there are many decisions in my life I regret and although they don't keep me awake at night they can be cause for a distraction.

I still think that something has to change for me to move forward but not sure what, I don't think a new job would have any affect since when I'm in work I tend to get on with stuff without this side of my personality getting in the way. Moving is out of the question because of Sophie, I know that if I moved further away I would end up seeing her less than I do now.

What is a girl to do, suggestions welcome.

Another Dream

An interesting dream I had a couple of days ago, unlike the shark dream this one was quite pleasant if not short. I've not been able to determine if there is a meaning.

I'm walking through a carpark with a girl, she looks like a girl I had a one night fling with at the beginning of the year. We're going somewhere and we're taking her car since I didn't bring mine, although I can see mine parked in the distance, also the carpark is very similar to my work's carpark.

We drive out the gate onto a main road which I don't recognise and it's now raining quite heavy. We pull over so she can explain where we're going and she seems quite excited, as she leans towards me I kiss her, and this is pretty much where the dream ends except for one fact. I can remember the kiss so vividly I could almost swear it was real, I remember the feeling of her tongue, the taste of her lipstick and the smell of her hair its so amazing.

I usually only remember sights and sounds from dreams but this kiss was so real it actually makes me smile just thinking about it. Now I did kiss her several months ago so it could just be the remembering the sensation from that but it seemed different, fresh somehow.

Hearing voices

Don't worry we're fine, yeah what she said.

No I'm not going mad but I'm also too young for a midlife crisis.

I feel stuck in life, the past couple years have been stagnant for me with no real accomplishments to speak off and I think that's part of the problem, I'm not moving forward.

I had considered moving to a new city and starting a fresh, Sophie is still at the age where I think we could move without much of a problem. But since my recent spat with mum she's cut off my allowance leaving me to pay my own bills which means I can't afford to move. I know you all have to pay your own way so I shouldn't moan

My mother moved us when I was 14 and in the middle of high school, I never really settled in and as a result put less effort into my school work. I would say I've never really forgiven her for the trouble that put me through but when I look back I did burn many bridges so staying would have created another set of problems anyway.

No one in my family know I feel this way and quite frankly I don't think I could talk to any of them about it. I did try once a few years ago when I had another problem and the support wasn't all that helpful.

I've been pigging out more recently and have noticed my clothes are getting tight around the waist, but according to my doctor I'm still under weight so I'm not all that worried about that just yet.

So here's another negative post about my life, I think that's why I haven't posted so much lately as I don't want to drag anyone along with me.

Something needs to change

I find myself in exactly the same position as last week and I feel very annoyed about this.

Something in my life needs to change.

This morning the phone woke me up, even more than that it was nearly lunch time, what annoyed me further was that I was still tired and wanted to go back to sleep. Although I do like a lay in it's not usually because I'm tired, I find laying in bed in the mornings helps me sort things through in my head, allows me to come up with different approaches for things I expect to happen that day, but lately my mind has been more concerned about going over past events, and showing me what ifs, perhaps it's my minds way of keeping us sane, luckily there's still only one of me that I'm aware of..!

I'm sitting here, well laying would be more appropriate, after just watching a film with Chris Rock and I'm feeling pissed off, more at myself than anything else, but I'm finding it hard to put these feelings into words which is why I stopped blogging for a time.

I still need to figure a way to rescue my princess from the evil clutches of the wicked witch, in other words how to get my seven year old daughter away from my mother!

The one thing I was thinking about changing was my car, I had seen an slk which I thought looked nice, then after discussing it with my brother I came to the conclusion why the hell do I need a new car, I have a new car, although a few years old now. I think I was just looking at the convertible sporty option as my current car is a hard top family car.

I'm just going round in circles here, today was a stressful day, and that's after sleeping for half of it. Nearly all the stress was caused by Rebecca, who else, I have considered telling her she's too much stress but none of us can help the way we feel about each other and I do get this warm fuzzy feeling when I'm with or talking to her.

.

What happened

I find myself sitting alone in a quiet apartment, almost dark apart from the lamp I have beside me.

So how did I get here, well who knows!

Laura is away on her travels, this means that Sophie has been staying with my mother, the idea was for her to come back here on weekends but when I came to pick her up on the Saturday I found that my mother had made plans and had taken her out. So since my last post in March I have seen very little of my daughter, until today I hadn't seen John or Katherine either.

Add to this I have a new boss at work, we don't get on and it's taking a lot out of me trying to hold face with or sometimes against him, his boss doesn't seem to like him either but I've been refraining from criticising him since he's not done anything wrong. All this is making me tired and I seem to fall asleep as soon as I get home in the evenings.

To add yet another item to the list, Rebecca is back in my life and seasoned readers will remember how much stress she injects into my reality.

Another stress point is that Emma's been away for a quite a while so I've not had anyone to bounce off.

On the work side I've mostly been cruising along quietly, apart from instances concerning the new boss, I've been letting my subordinates handle things that I should really be doing, this includes some new business we've picked up, I just know something is going to go horribly wrong and I'm going to come out worse for wear.

So why come back to blogging now, well Emma's back so I've been able to vent some of my frustration to her (poor girl) which has helped, also today was my mum's birthday which meant a little family get together, Sophie wouldn't leave me alone which made me feel good.

The reason she's staying with my mother if your wondering is that mothers are free babysitters, but that means some concessions on my part.

Also the untimely departure of Alex made me want to post a comment to his blog and since I was signed in I decided to swing back here.

So I might keep this blogging thing going or it may shimmer away again, for those who know my email thanks for the messages, I'm not going anywhere just yet.

Jess.x

Has it been that long

I'm still here, well of sorts.

Just trying to figure life out and where I fit into the big picture

Our friend Jack

Ok the title may give you an idea about the post, yes it's about Jack, no not the one in the picture!

No he's not back in my life and I haven't heard from him since Emma's birthday back in November but I have heard about him.

Apparently Jack is involved with a girl, a kinda on/off relationship. The interesting thing about this relationship is that she's pregnant and Jack is the father but this is what's causing the on/off status as he's not too happy about being a father, at first this sounded strange as he was very playful with Sophie. The other interesting fact is that this girl is about 6 months pregnant which puts them together at the time he was trying to get into my knickers (he did manage to get me out of them but he didn't get in them!)

A funny point you may like, when Jack was around and I started to post about him I was watching the TV show 'Profiler' with Ally Walker and Julian McMahon (who I actually think is cute) and I decided to use the name of the serial killer from that show, not that it in anyway had an effect on the way I viewed him!

On another point of cute guys I have lately been thinking John Barrowman is much cuter than when I first saw him on TV although my sister thinks this is related to him being gay and thus not available, you know want what you can't have idea.

Another flash of pink

Unfortunately this time it happened to be my nipple, yes I have 2 but this only concerns one of them :)~

One of the guys approached me, and in all fairness he was quite embarrassed about it, he said that earlier in the day when I had lent over near his desk and he couldn't help but to look down my blouse he was surprised to actually see something, ie my breast and then my erect nipple. I had just come in from the cold outside, are guy's nipples as sensitive to the cold?

I asked what he was doing looking down my top while I was leaning over. Apparently it's a guy thing, if a girl bends over in the presence of a guy they can't help but look down. I know guys look at our breasts when talking to us and such but it's funny that he describes it as a kind of reflex action which I never really noticed before.

He's a nice chap, bit shy, about the same age as me and we both started at the company around the same time. He's also been out drinking with me many times over the years so has already both my breasts so I'm not too concerned about a little nipple slip, but I will try and be a bit more careful as I would expect something like the following if it had been some of the other guys.

Morning meeting, "and yesterday we had an unannounced guest", everyone looks confused, "yes, it seems Jessica's breast made an appearance in the office, for those of you who missed it we will be making the security camera footage available" as all the guys cheer, "Jessica can we expect a repeat appearance?"

And for anyone wondering, I haven't taken my top off in a night club for quite some time now!

One thing, I was trying not to laugh or smirk as he was telling my about my nipple as I could see it was having and affect on his lower anatomy. I'm not sure what embarrassed him more, telling me that he had seen my tit in the office or that he was getting hard while telling me!

Happy Easter

A bit belated I know, but here's wishing you had a pleasant time, whether that was staying at home stuffing your face full of chocolate or taking a short break.

I stayed at home for the bank holiday and no I didn't go swimming so I couldn't perv at Courtney. On another note I persuaded my brother into buying her a necklace which went down rather well, by all accounts he had a special treat ;)

Back to easter. I, as always, did my shopping late which meant popping into Asda on the way home from mum's on Friday. After driving around the car park for ages I finally found a space, inside wasn't much better and the selection of chocolate eggs was sparse (not sure if that was due to it being so close to easter).

I did quite well on the receiving of chocolate, even got one from mum which is a rarity, luckily I got her one, this brought my total to 6. Although I haven't opened any yet so they may last a while.

A flash of pink

I may have mentioned before that I'm a pink girl, the colour not the singer. I have a wide variety of items in pink, from clothing to all sorts of items you wouldn't think they do in pink!

Earlier today my boss was reminded of my love for the colour. We had to attend an event, one of those corporate showcases. I usually get stuck with the boss for the day as I quite attractive (modest I know) and if he gets stuck I actually know what's going on and can save his arse, although once people realise this they start talking to me and not him which is fun and it annoys him greatly.

So being his escort for the day I had to travel with him and explain what the purpose of the event is and what to say and do, which is kind of pointless as he forgets most of it when we get out of the car.

Being the over paid executive managerial type that he is he insists of driving a sports car (it's a BMW something or other) you might be getting an idea of where this is going (or you looked at the picture already) so being the gentleman that he is *cough cough* he opens the car door for me, unfortunately I wasn't very lady like getting out of the car and I flashed my pink underwear, he was more surprised by the colour than anything else as I was wearing a black suit.

During random moments during the day he kept wanting to know if I was wearing a matching bra, he never did find out

Shopping for birthday gifts

Ok I know I like shopping but sometime this week I have to take my brother shopping for a birthday gift for his girlfriend. I somehow volunteered to do this last week, although I don't remember!

I hardly know her but since we're both girls we have something in common, at least that's what my brother says. They have been dating for over a year now and the last present he bought her didn't go down too well, it was some kind of novelty item which he now has.

I went shopping with him for mothers day gifts, well he dragged me along as I wasn't going to get anything otherwise, so mothers day warranted a quick visit to our local Asda (I'm usually a Salisbury's girl but he was driving), we both picked up pretty much the first item and cards we found. I would apologise for the lack of effort but hey I actually bought her something this time, last year Katherine bought something and put my name on it for me, my siblings know me so well!

So in Asda we tried one of those self service checkouts, what a major pain in the arse that was. It didn't like the barcode on some of the items so we had to enter the code and then it didn't like the items being in the bag so we had to take them out and after all that it didn't like the chip in my credit card and the assistant had to come over and help, I had to sign my name on this little computer screen which is a lot harder than it looks, modern bloody technology!

So back on topic, I'm trying to think what to buy, I think I'll call her Courtney. Suggestions welcome, I'm aiming for something nice but that at least looks like he could have bought it.

Sophie and I are joining the both of them in going swimming on the weekend, I'm hoping her arse looks as good out of those jeans as it does in them **wink wink

Piercing's

"Sorry love you can't come in", bouncer at local night club

"why?" me, highly embarrassed as only person in the group refused entry

"you have too many piercings" at first I thought he was joking but the look on his face told me he wasn't.

Luckily it was nothing compared to the look his boss gave him when the group I was with moved on and since our group was composed mostly of girls the large group of boys behind us in the queue followed suit. I do love my friends, admittedly mostly when drunk.

For the record I have 3 piercings, 1 in each ear and a navel piercing. I used to have a nose stud but haven't had it in for quite a while now.

And yes guys, even though it was cold on Friday my midriff was on show.

Oh and I found a nice blond to dance with in the club, unfortunately that was as far as I got, oh well!

Live & Kicking

I used to watch then when I was younger, although I don't remember seeing John Barrowman on it, but I've noticed that with other actors, go back and watch some of the older films from your youth and you might notice some A-list celeb's in there.

Ok so I'm still here and sorry for the recent lack of posts life sometimes gets busy, although my one complaint is that looking back since my last post I don't think anything has actually changed.

Tempest Fugit

That thing you do

I wasn't expecting that question to cause such an argument.

When my mother is out and about with Sophie she has a habit of pointing out the guys she thinks are cute. It doesn't bother me that much and it's pretty obvious why she does it but sometimes it can get annoying, especially if I'm with them and it's been a long day.

So I decide to mention it, my intention was a simple request for her to tone it down a bit when I'm with them.

But she took it the wrong way and accused me of trying to dictate how she should behave around her granddaughter, that lead to a discussion with both of us raising our voices and ended with her saying she didn't want Sophie to end up like me.

I'm normally thick skinned and not sensitive to such remarks but I felt she meant that remark and it did make me cry.

That was yesterday and I haven't spoken to her since!

More crap with blu-ray

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/7187179.stm

This is another reason I hate these stupid format wars. It basically says if you have already bought a blu-ray player your screwed when it comes to new content!

"We needed to create momentum and get the players on the market. If we had postponed launch to add in the hardware for the latest features, we would not be in the situation we have today." Frank Simonis, Philips
In response to that comment I would want them to swap a player out for a new one as they are saying if it wasn't for the early adopters they wouldn't be in the position they are now, it sounds to me like they are ready to forget about the people who helped get them to the top.

You can probably tell from the tone how much this stuff annoys me and I'm not even a tech savy person.
Just to clarify I do not own a blu-ray or hd-dvd player and will not be purchasing one any time soon, in fact if it's possible I plan on waiting until the next format comes along and pushes these two formats aside, but if any prospective manufactures are reading this NO MORE FORMAT WARS FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!

Bollocks

I'm sat here listing to my music and it's MONDAY already! dam these weekends go too quick.

Happy Birthday Blog

I guess this calls for a mini celebration as my first post What's this all about was posted on the 3rd January 2007

So what's it been like?

This is post #65. I made a flying start with 17 posts in January, over 4 per week, but have since settled to comfortable 1 per week average.

I also think I've made a nice little circle of blog friends.

A new year, new expectations?
I find myself starting 2008 in much the same way as I started 2007 which disappoints me a little, I feel that I missed a few opportunities last year and hopefully won't again this year.

I'm not one for new year resolutions but I have set my self a goal which I hope to accomplish by the end of the year, I'm not going to say what it was but will let you know how I get on.