Jessica

I think most people who blog don't use their real names and I'm no different.

It came as a slight shock when someone called me Jessica by mistake, I tried as you do to make it seem like the name didn't mean anything to me.

It was even more of a shock when I was in another office and someone insisted on calling out the name, I tried to ignore the call but the person started walking towards me, my heart skipped a beat when he stopped next to me. I didn't dare look but standing there he said the name again and I was just about to look at him when another girl standing near by answered him. The relief I felt when the two of them went off together leaving me alone.

Weekend roundup

Thanks for the comments Mike, hope you continue to enjoy my chronicles. The hangover wasn't actually that bad, although I stayed in bed for the majority of the day catching up on some TV and read a few chapters of the book I'm currently reading.

I decided to spend the majority of Sunday and Monday with Sophie as I feel I've been neglecting her recently, not that she has been complaining since Laura spends enough time with her, I sometimes think she's a better mother to my daughter than I am.

One of the television programs I decided to watch on Saturday was Farscape, the final episode. Maybe I'm emotionally drained lately but I found myself shedding a few tears when D'Argo died.

Also had some tickets to watch the rugby, my home team were playing this weekend, although I decided to fore go the long trek and spend the time with Sophie. If you've been reading carefully you might be able to figure out my nationality. I usually tend to ignore the whole national thing and just go for the British label as I think the whole devolution thing is kind of stupid.

So the week at work, I find it hard to believe it's only been a week since I got back from seeing aforementioned friend, it's been a long week!

I hadn't realised until someone asked on Friday night 'So what's with the gothic look?', upon thinking back I remembered i had worn black for the whole week, I'm usually more colourful but I had worn a variety of black clothes the entire week with a selection of silver jewelery. In fact I was also wearing black that evening. Guess I was in a morbid mood, can't figure out why though!

So where do I go from here?

I've found reading books is the only thing that successfully takes my mind off a certain subject for any length of time, your all probably getting tired of hearing about that. I bought several books to keep me going and ended up buying three books by Karen Chance, I hadn't noticed who the author was until I got the books (Amazon), not that there is anything wrong with Karen it's just funny that I bought three by the same author. One of the other books is by Alastair Reynolds as I like one of his other books, the others I liked the descriptions of.

That didn't really answer the question but it's a good plug if I was looking to sell books!

To be honest I don't know where to go besides moving along slowly and giving my mind time to adjust to the situation and see where that takes me.

One idea is to turn hetero as guys tend to be happy providing they're getting regular sex.

That's all today from your psychotic gothic lesbian, until next time.

Drinking session

So last night I went out on a drinking session with a group of friends. To my surprise it turned out to be quite a large group of people, about 30 I guess, a few new faces and some of the usual suspects were not in attendance.

I was very keen to get some alcohol in me after the events of the past week end and ended up on my third drink before most of the group had finished their first. I'm a vodka and coke girl and last night was in the mood for doubles.

It was a quiet evening, no fights or other problems, not that we're a bunch of thugs but with a large group of people drinking trouble can quite often find us. The usual sort of problem is bumping into someone when trying to navigate your way around and the person not accepting your apology or even offering to get them a drink if it's quite a big bump.

So there was me very keen on getting drunk and several of the guys more than happy to help me along in that respect. Although quite happy to flirt and give them some encouragement I was not in the mood to have sex with anyone of either gender, the influx of vodka did help take my mind off said person but I don't think I'm ready to move on just yet.

I usually have a limit in mind so that I can at least do more than lay in bed the following morning, needless to say with me being on doubles I quickly passed my limit. I also managed to keep all my clothes, me getting drunk can lead to a loss of clothing on my part.

They say alcohol doesn't solve any problems and I tend to agree, since after recovering from a hangover my mind wanders back onto the same old topics as before.

Alone in the Dark

Wasn't that the title of a movie?

This post is probably going to turn into a rambling, I find writing things down helps when you read it back, it's something I do quite a lot but this time I figured I post it here, so the rest of you can share in the strange workings of my mind. The quote at the top reads 'welcome to my world' and I think this post is going to be just that. It may be a long one and might not read very well so I'll forgive anyone who doesn't get to the bottom.

I said yesterday it's a hard topic to discuss and it is but this is more of a journal entry, it's kind of like me having a conversation with my brain to figure out how I got to where I am now and which mistakes I'll probably make again.

It should be an interesting week at work culminating in a party on Friday night and I plan on getting well and truly drunk!

So where to begin? Well following on from my post yesterday and not having much to do today, ok well I had stuff to do but couldn't be bothered to do it. I'm in a sort of angry, sad sort of mood, incidentally I'm usually good at avoiding scenarios which make me depressed. Angry I get a lot but the sadness self doubt and pity I've been good at avoiding, It's a remnant of my childhood where due to some unfortunate incidents I started suppressing my emotions, well the ones which were easier to control, anger not being one of them, it's quite funny that happiness is the easiest one to keep under wraps.





So any good therapist will tell you that bottling up or suppressing your emotions is not a good thing, they're probably right as when you squeeze too much into a bottle it has a tendency to explode and make a mess. Luckily I haven't exploded, although the picture I chose yesterday was reflective of my mood at the time.

So now down to the whys, I'm not sure which mood to class that under as depending on the questions and answers I get a different reaction.

Why did I get involved in the first place?
So when I first met her she was substituting for a friend, I'd got on well with the friend and wasn't happy about dealing with someone new or that I wasn't informed about the situation before hand, but I didn't really have a choice in the matter so went with it.
When the business stuff was out of the way and we had some alone time we got talking and it was pleasant seeing her each time, soon she developed an infatuation with me and she would light the room up when she saw me. I'm about eight years older than her and felt it wouldn't work between us for several reasons being the age, distance.
So I started to arrange things so there wouldn't be much alone time, a fact I later came to regret doing.
I'm not sure when I started having feelings for her but I suppose you never do, it got to the point where we arranged to spend a weekend together. Our business concluded a few weeks before our weekend and during that time I had very little communication with her, bar a few text's back and fore but you can't really gauge emotion from a text. It was during this time I realised how much I missed spending time with her and started to regret purposely reducing it.

So the weekend came and it was fun, nothing physical happened between us excluding a few kisses, I think she wanted something to happen but I was still unsure of the situation and the whole thing was a little subdued from our usual interactions.

It was after that weekend that I think I started to fall for her and one day while speaking I posed the question about a possible relationship, it kind of went down hill from there!

Sometimes she was more than happy to talk with me but at others it seemed like a choir for her, so we made arrangements for a another weekend, I think I posted about that one where it was quite an awful weekend.

So against my better judgement we made more arrangements, the latest one being where I pressed her on the subject of me and her.
It boiled down to her being young and not wanting a serious relationship, we wouldn't see each other that much and what would happen if we got drunk, would we remain faithful to one other when apart.
We both agreed to remain friends, but I'm not sure how easy that will be now.

In a nut shell that's basically the whole story but it doesn't actually answer the question. To be honest I don't know why I got involved when from the start it looked like a bad idea, perhaps she though the same and just wanted a bit of fun but when it turned serious she changed her mind.

I'm not sure what I'm pissed off about the most, may it be that I let my guard down and got hurt for it or the fact that I'm now obsessing over the whole thing and can't concentrate on other things.

I want to move on but keep thinking about the fun times, she's so warm to be around and and her lips are so soft I could have just melted every time I kissed them, even though she wouldn't allow me anything more than a quick peck. It's also funny that my skin is always cold to the touch, even in a hot night club, I can actually hold a drink and the ice melts so slowly because my hands are so cold, but being in the same room as her and my skin turns warm to the touch, I tried to show her my party trick of holding an ice cube but it melted quickly in my palm.

Ok so this is the point where I'm starting to get angry at the whole thing, it was fun so why did I loose it or screw it up, I think I should quit while I'm ahead and go and bang my head against a wall to numb the sensations!
Bloody hell!

Crash and Burn

For those of you who have been following the complicated issues of my love life I can now officially confirm that the latest saga has come to an end.

I think I've finally found out the meaning of a hard topic and I don't want to go into detail as this one if pretty hard for me to discuss at the moment.

I didn't think I felt too much but that it was something that seemed like a good idea if it went somewhere, needless to say my reaction was anything but. I was actually crying on the train home that an old woman asked if I was ok, I told her I've received bad news but was ok. There is nothing worse than wanting to curl up alone when you have a long journey ahead of you knowing you have to hold as much inside as you can until you finally get home.

I'm trying to not be melodramatic on the subject but to be honest it does hurt inside and even now thinking about it my eyes are swelling up, bloody hell!

I think I've finally found the meaning to one of the quotes from a film I like.

Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?

Life goes on I guess, how ever rough the ride gets along the way, I'm not sure if I want to cry or hit something!

What makes a moment special

A little break from the holiday talk. It's been a busy year for me so far, not long got back from holiday and in a little over a week I'm flying off on another business trip, it's a shame I'm not getting any air miles!

Ok so onto the topic I want to talk about.

Reading Sarah's blog got me thinking about what makes a moment special. My most special moment of all time was when I first held my daughter, for me it was as if time stood still and nothing else mattered. The look on my mothers face when she first held her was a classic as she realised this made her a grandmother.

Most special moments only last for seconds, some even shorter than that, but when we remember them they last for much longer. The problem with memories are that they are fallible and we sometimes remember what we wish happened.

Special moments can take many forms, becoming a mother to meeting eyes with someone across a crowded room. They are what I think of as the slow motion moments as time stands still and all other distractions seem to vanish. I can recall a moment in a night club were it seemed like someone pulled the plug on the music while I whispered to someone, but in reality it was a split second pause in the beat.

Other moments are where someone behaves or does something contrasting to their personality or at least your perception of them. When I was about 11 a ball was thrown in my direction and as I looked round to my name being called I just stared at this ball as it was coming closer to my head, my special moment came when my little brother who at the time was hopeless at catching a ball put his hand up and caught it. The reason I think of it as special is that many times before and after he has thrown balls at my head with the intention of hitting me but for that brief moment he was my protector.

Movies can sometimes have special moments. Now I know they're written, edited and have music played in the right place to make it special.

Films have their slow motion moments, during conflict when the sound of what ever is exploding slows down so that someone can have their moment. They all add to the drama of the film, I'm not arguing that, but how many times does a film make you grin like a cheshire cat or have tears running down your face, I know us girls are more emotional than you boys out there and we probably shed a tear for every film we watch but I'm thinking on a more emotional level.

I'll probably regret sharing, so if you come back and find this post is shorter it's because I came to my senses and deleted the following.

When I was a kid I probably cried at a lot of films when sad things happened, but the following are the ones which left lasting memories and still make me cry when I watch them now.

Transforms (1984 movie), my brother liked it *wink wink*. I cried at the scene where Optimus Prime dies, I actually watched it again recently before watching the new film and I felt a tear at the same scene. I blamed my contact lenses but I don't wear any!

Short Circuit 2 (1988), again I had to watch this because my brother liked it *wink wink*. I actually saw this in the cinema and wasn't alone in the tears department, I think all the kids came out in tears when the crooks were smashing up Johnny 5. We all let out a cheer at the end when he caught Oscar.

Meet joe black (1998) I let out a tear or two at the end as Joe and William are walking over the bridge, there were a few more tears when Joe walks back over the bridge.

The green mile (1999) At John Coffey's execution.

Sliding doors (1998) when Helen dies in the hospital and the other Helen and James meet in the lift.

12 Monkeys (1995) When Cole dies in Katheryn's arms and he watches a boy walk away he realises the boy is him and his nightmare about watching someone die was watching his grown up self die (it's easier to watch it than me explain it, although if you haven't seen it I've just spoiled the ending for you)

Bicentennial Man (1999) Ok so I actually cried a couple of times during this one, when Andrew and Richard watch the hologram of the wedding dance, at the death of Little Miss when Andrew realises everyone he knows will eventually die and finally when Andrew and Portia dies.

I just noticed that none of the above are listed as my favourite movies on my profile, might have to change that.

For an example of something that made me smile in a movie

As good as it gets (1997)

Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.

Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.

Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.

Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.

Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.

Carol Connelly: ...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.

Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.

I've also just realised that all the films are pre 2000, does that tell you anything about the current quality of movies?

I think I went a little off track near the end, but hey that's what blogging is for :)